Monday, 7 September 2009

the bigger issue no. 2


expostulator no. 2


the bigger issue No. 1


The expostulator. Issue No. 1




Due to a few people missing me when i visit their town, i have been asked if i could publish The Bigger Issue/expostulator on line. So yer tiz. click to enlarge.

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Graham at Borders in Bristol


Hello folks,

Here is a picture of Graham in action at Borders in Bristol recently. He was talking as part of the Tangent Books Author! Author! events.

Other news, Graham has relaunched his 'Bigger Issue' magazine and is selling copies for a Guinea (or £1.05p) at his usual haunts across the South West. Mr Walker will also be appearing at the Glastonbury Festival and will be accosting unsuspecting festival goers around the Caberet field.

More news from The Bigger Issue man soon.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Boring

A reader who wishes to remain anonymous asked...

As someone who seems to attract people who drone on for ever about every detail of their (extremely boring) lives at social events, how do you suggest that I deal with them?


Thanks for your question. As this is the first question in my “Ask uncle Graham” blog. I am more than relieved in feeling confidently qualified to answer this particular poser.

As a Big Issue vendor selling my wares in many towns throughout the South West. The two things these places have always held in common is; they always come equipped with a ‘bore par excellence’ (strangely, only ever one per town), the second being, the buggers, adept as they are, sniff me out within hours of my arriving and immediately adopt me as their new best mate!

Now I could give you the perfect answer to your obviously angst-ridden question: ‘Tell him/her to piss off!’ Of course, as a fellow bore magnet, I am aware that you, and indeed I, could never deliver that kind of rhetoric. And the bore is more than aware of that! Having never met you I sense you are a kindly person; a person who exudes compassion and is as much caring as you are approachable. That’s what we, as bore magnets, are. We both of us may as well have a flashing flourescent sign stuck on our heads stating; ‘BORE REFUGE. COME ON IN’.

So, before entering a rather indirect -those who can’t, teach - type of solution to your problem, let me fill you in on the three main aspects that together,I believe, form the make-up of the ‘bore psyche’.

1. Bores are astute, far cleverer then the likes of you and I.
2. Bores don’t become bores overnight, they have been boring all their lives, they are professional, they’re good at what they do.
3. Bores live with continual rejection, it’s part of the job, water off a ducks back.
3a. Bores have a skin, thicker than a rhino in a duvet.

On a personal note, my latest bore was ‘Mr. Cheeseman’ from Taunton. (he talked cheese!) “Mornin mucker” “Aagghh, morning Ennui “I would say (His name was Henry but he thinks I’ve got a speech inpediment). “Yeah, got ripped off yesterday with some farmhouse cheddar.” “Did you Ennui.” “yes” he replied, “I asked for extra mature but I have a strong feeling they fobbed me off with mothing more than slightly tasty mild, can’t prove it of course, just gotta live with it I s’pose.. Now as it’s Tuesday I was considering trying 150 grams of double gloucester tomorrow. It could be a mistake but life’s about taking risks.” “Well let’s hope they don’t rip you off with a single one Ennui.” I muttered, in pseudo-supportive, wanna tear my head off sort of tone. Of course he didn’t hear it, borers are not there to listen. Yes for three months I just about handled Mr Cheeseman. I even handled his daily parting line; “If I don’t see you through the week, I’ll see you through the window, ha ha ha” I then came up with the solution to get Mr Cheeseman off my back. I left Taunton for Weston super mare, acutely aware of the fact that, from experience, there was another, as it transpired, a (I’ve watched every film John Wayne ever made I have) type of bore, lurking in the shadows, awaiting my arrival. You see I was, as I believe you are, in denial. You must therefore, before attempting the following solution, accept the fact that bores will always be bores, and we will always be bore magnets. There’s no changing that.

So, the final solution. Next time you’re invited to a social gathering . . . . . .

1. Bore enters room.
2. Bore spots sign on your head
3. Bore, pours himself a half of beer shandy
4. Bore approaches you and states something akin to; ‘until tonight I never ever realised that the male species of the centipede only has 84 legs.

(Now this is a crucial moment, please don’t underestimate its importance. The bore is now going for the kill

5. The split second before the bore turns a potentially rewarding evening into one where youre fiddling with your belt whilst trying to recall the film; ‘pierrepoint’ in order to ascertain; ‘at your weight, what’s the optimum drop?’ Yes, before that happens. Take one massive breath.

You may not realise it yet, but having reached this point, you are on the cusp of winning. Conversely, the bore will by now be in his element, thinking likewise.

6. Whilst the bore whitters on,counteract by reciting aloud two affirmations (remember the bore never listens) “I’m not wrong. Bore won’t beat me, I am strong, bore won’t defeat me” x8.

You will now be feeling a level of confidence perhaps never experienced before. Please treat it with respect.

7. Grab your bore by the horns.
8. Scan the room and identify the brashest, loudest person you know. Let’s call him George.
9. In an assertive manner, march your bore over to George’s group and interrupting any conversation that may be occuring, confidently introduce him. “George, this is Ennui. He’s desperate to discuss the falling standards in the gorgonzola industry.
10. Immediately, and before anyone finds the wit to respond, turn around and walk briskly to the far side of the room, pour yourself a large drink and . . .relax.
Enjoy your evening and, well done you!

Best wishes, Uncle Graham

Monday, 16 February 2009

Ode to Donna Diamond


Donna is a diamond
She has so many facets
I've often seen her sparkle
But i'd love to see her assets